Dream ~ Act ~ Plan ~ Believe

I’ve been feeling really out-of-sorts the past 48 hours. My brain has felt foggy and just want to cry. In fact, today my son walked into the laundry room to find me sitting upon a load of laundry crying. I must have cried fifteen times today.

At times like this all I want to do is curl-up under a blanket in a cabin in the mountains and listen to the sound of water rushing down a creek. I want to sit by a fire and read and have someone deliver gourmet take-out to me for the next few days, or some good old fashioned comfort food like a loaf of crusty bread with some real good soup. But no, I can’t do that. I’ve got laundry to do, business to take care of, kids to feed, and toilets to scrub.

I figure this “healing crisis” may have been triggered by my last post and in contemplation of the next few chapters of my life that I am going to share with you. That’s because they were the most painful.

I find it odd at times that I am telling the entire world about my life. But then I feel that it is the right thing to do. I know that what I have learned, what I have over come, can help people. My hope is that it will help others who may be going through difficulties in their life. So I’m going to keep sharing my story.

But back to the healing crisis. I’ve come a very long way.

I think I’ve seen the end of episodes like this and then one will sneak up on me unexpectedly.

Here’s how it usually unfolds. It begins with panic attacks, sensitivity to noise and light, lack of appetite, and a desire to just escape from the world. My family certainly must pick-up on it because they all have to have to go into crisis mode at the same time.

Why is that?

It’s just not fair!!!

Why can’t I have my own crisis without everyone else getting involved? It’s true you know, the saying, “If mama ain’t happy no one is happy.”

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a pitty party, or a let’s feel sorry for myself moment. This simply means that I have gotten to another point in my life where I feel secure enough and safe enough to break down and heal a little more. No amount of positive thinking is going to help. I know because I am a positive thinker.

I used to think that something was wrong with me that I couldn’t think my way out of it until a friend explained it to me like this: “What you are going through it like a rebirth. Birth isn’t easy. Birth can be painful. But birth it is worth it. No one expects a new born mom to bounce back within minutes. You need to rest just as if you’d just given birth. Rest and heal.”

I realized she was right. That’s exactly what this is. Only I usually feel like I’m the baby. I’m coming from a point of being in a warm comforting space to all of the sudden being pushed and pulled out into a cold harsh world. It usually means that I need a few good crying spells, a good nights sleep, some good food, and I’ll be great again. So that’s why I call it a healing crisis.

But the more I think about it I hate the term “healing crisis.” It’s more like a “healing metamorphosis,” it’s more like my wings are being spread, and my soul is opening up a little more so the sun light can get in and heal my soul.

It’s like a forest first that burns out the old dead wood and renews the forest so something fresh and new can grow in it’s place.

So dear readers? What would you call it? What is a more positive term for this crisis?

P.S. Send take out please, no wait, send chocolate.  Never mind, the food would do me more good and truly sounds better.

Posted on April 16th, 2008 by Leisa
Filed under: Depression, Fear, Healing, Loss, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Regret, Trauma | 7 Comments »

In my last few articles I’ve written about regret; those momentary feelings of loss, disappointment, or dissatisfaction with something in our life. I would warrant that all of us have experienced some type of regret in our life. Something we wished we had done differently, or perhaps not have done at all. It’s my belief that those who say they don’t have any regrets don’t mean they haven’t ever had any. What they mean is that they changed the focus, or their outlook about the specific circumstances. They learned from it. They turned it into a positive.

Changing one’s focus or keeping one’s focus on what is important is the key to recovery, and the key to achieving happiness. Focusing on regrets, focusing on what’s not working in our life leads to depression. My mom always said that anyone can think themselves into a depression. Everyone has had things happen to them, or has done things that could get them down. But focusing on the past, focusing on our failings doesn’t help at all. Choosing to focus on our short-comings, or negative experiences can lead a happy person to a state of depression. (more…)

Posted on February 21st, 2008 by Leisa
Filed under: ADD-itude, Depression, Focus, Life Lessons, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Regret | 3 Comments »

If you have followed this blog since it’s beginning you’ve learned that I had been in survival mode for a couple of years. I was living my life fifteen minutes at a time. I was simply “in a state of being” a I tried to regroup after trauma and recover from depression.

It was a very strange place to be because I have always been one to have big plans, big goals, big dreams. I’ve always been the “type A” personality that is driven to succeed. And suddenly I found myself without any plans. I couldn’t see myself in the future because the future seemed to painful. It was a very scary place to be and one that can be dangerous for some people. I had lost hope. I survived because I’m not a quitter.

This morning I was looking back at the “lost years” with regret. I regretted the wasted time. I regretted the “quality time” I missed with my children. My years were wasted. Or so I thought.

(more…)

Posted on February 12th, 2008 by Leisa
Filed under: Beauty, Creating A Future, Gratitude, Loss, Raise Up, Recovery, Symbolic Healing | 16 Comments »

Yesterday I talked about how I’ve recently been hit with what I termed a healing crisis. I’ve found that there are certain things that I can do that get me through the healing crisis faster and put me back into the sunlight. These are things I refer to as symbolic healing. The activity is symbolic of the healing that needs to be done.

So if you are feeling down, if you are a little on the sad side, or if you are coping with things like post traumatic stress disorder, like I am, then perhaps one of the following will be of help:

• Sleep - Good old fashioned sleep often helps. An hour long nap can do wonders and jump start the healing process. Taking a nap usually isn’t possible though. Especially with kids in the house and deadlines looming.
• Reading a book - it allows me time to put my mind elsewhere for a brief time while my soul repairs itself. A good uplifting book is the key, a depressing book simply wouldn’t work. I’ve found that I should stay away from books that have to do with hobbies and things I want to do because at times like this they just seem unrealistic. It makes me feel even more overwhelmed.
• Cleaning the house - cleaning the house can be very symbolic. I use healing words when I am cleaning. For example, as I’m washing the floor I’ll say to myself over and over again I’ll say, “I’m wiping away the footprints of those that walked all over me.” When I’m cleaning up the cob-webs I’ll say, “I’m wiping away the webs of deception that clouded my judgment.” As I’m taking things I no longer need to the thrift store I’ll tell myself, “I’m making room for the new.” (This method actually seems to be one of the most effective and quickest methods. )
• Writing it down - I’ve found now that simply the act of describing what is going on, and writing about solutions help ease me through the crisis. And the act of writing it on a blog seems to be more effective for me than writing about it in a journal. That’s because there is a part of me that simply can’t write about a problem without offering my readers a solution.
• Create Art - Creating art is symbolic. It says, “I’m creating my future.”
• Take a bath - washing away the pain of the past.
• Food - this isn’t the same for me as it would be for some people. Some people eat to deaden the pain. That’s not me. At times like this I don’t eat. I can go a couple of days without eating and so for me simply that act of eating a good meal will tell me soul that I believe my life is worthy of being nourished and fed.
• Prayer - turning to a higher power always helps.
• Gardening - planting seeds for the future.

What things help you feel better when you are feeling down?

Posted on February 5th, 2008 by Leisa
Filed under: Creating A Future, Healing, Raise Up, Recovery, Symbolic Healing | 2 Comments »