Previously I told you about the trauma of being watched and stalked like a animal hunts his prey. It was at that time my resilient spirit decided she no longer wanted to fear strangers. I became determined to minimize that fear, to shrink it, and dissolve it. But there was still a huge underlying fear. The fear of sexual assault.
I’m sure the fear first manifested itself when I was young and stemmed from my ability to sense what people felt. It is easy to fear something that feels so cold and dark, and full of such evil intent.
God blessed me with a body and face that many men found attractive. (Ignore that picture on the left of the site. I’m much older now, much more worn out, and not nearly as attractive as I once was.) And I hated the way guys looked at me.
I hated walking past construction sites and being whistled at. I hated the lust I saw in peoples eyes. I remember many, many times wishing that I was fat and ugly. I thought that if I was fat and ugly I’d be safe from sexual assault. Something I now know isn’t true. But nevertheless, that’s what I believed, at the time.
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Posted on April 20th, 2008 by Leisa
Filed under: Fear, My Story, Rape, Trauma | 8 Comments »
I’m telling you my life story in themes. I’ve started with the more tragic portions of my life so you, my readers, can develop a better understanding of where I came from, and how these have shaped me into the person I am today. It is our trials that cause us to grow, and how we handle them determine the type of person we become.
I first told you about my highly tuned perception, and then about how I began to attract to me the things I feared, and about how intruders shattered my vision of a safe home, about nearly being abducted by a masked man, and finally about being watched.
When my story continues I believe I am sixteen or seventeen, and in high school. I really should look up the year, but that doesn’t really matter.
Have you ever been startled awake by a sound that you tried to dismiss as nothing. Perhaps you laid there not totally convinced? That’s how this installment begins…
One summer night I was woken by the sound of someone trying to get in my bedroom window. Now I sleepily tried to talk myself into believing I was dreaming. I said, “Leisa you were dreaming. Just go back to sleep.” But then I heard it again, and this time it was so very obvious. I was not dreaming. My heart was racing when I realized that someone, yes someone, was definitely trying to get in my bedroom window!
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Posted on April 14th, 2008 by Leisa
Filed under: My Story, Panic Attacks, Rape, Trauma | 1 Comment »
